andjosgra

to those who read this.

i am going to try out just using my myspace for a journal... consolidating all of the silly websites i use has been long overdue.

so, look on myspace bitches!

so...
ive made a few decisions, go me!

i am returning to san francisco. california here i come.

i cant get anyone to go to toronto with me... which sucks. but eventually, one time i come back here, someone will go with me.

but anyways. im going to leave pittsburgh in 1-2 weeks, and take my crap, go to philly (actually stay IN philly this time). stay there for a few days, hop up to new york for another couple, then fly from new york to the west coast.

i dont know where i am going to fly to though...i am thinking of going back up to seattle, maybe vancouver for a few days before i go to san fran also...i have to talk to some people up there first.


other news... i found out someone i knew died a lil ago from a heroin overdose...

ive been hanging out with some other friends in pittsburgh and enjoying myself more... met some new cool people..
i kinda sucks meeting people when i come back here. its the easiest place for me to meet new people, but i am always going to be leaving, so its strange.

im painting my moms house... its huge, it sucks, atleast im getting paid.

im looking forward to not having to deal with my car once i leave... i actually really enjoy public transportation... transportation in general... planes, buses, whatever... hotels. everything involved with travel. i need to do it with other people more, i bet its alot better.

i think im going to go to europe with jeremy next summer.
i was going to try to go this summer, but i wont have the money because of my little united states adventures and the fact that i still need to get a job and a place in san fran... which isnt cheap. so i imagine that i will be broke within a month. oh well.


it is so freakin' hot in pittsburgh! oh, how i dont miss these summers... i was kinda thinking i missed the weather over here for a while... missing the 4 seasons and what not.. .but no, it sucks. i dont.

smile.

My uncle. Uncle Bob. Robert Mathews. Robert Matteucci. Died yesterday in a Los Angeles Hospital.
He was a good uncle and he will be missed.

so... im a lil drunk. but i felt like having an entry dedicated to megan, on her 21st birthday.

You better read this! ...punk.


ive only known you for like 15 months now, but you are still absolutely amazing.
you live in canada, but thats ok.
you have a fauxhawk, but I have before also.


being back in pittsburgh, i feel like i should be woken up at 5am by a phone call.

i was listening to fall out boy on the way home, (get busy living or get busy dying is a great song) and i thought of you.
i swear you are the only other person i know who knows who bedouin soundclash is. and curtis santiago.
...i bet our musical tastes are even more similar now.

i could talk about the past some, but i wont. i could preach about the future, but i choose not to. all i want to do is to give you something, something special on your birthday. if i was in seattle, we could go out together. but unfortunately, im not. but you know what, it doesnt matter if you go out, and get drunk. it doesnt matter if you get a big cake with your name on it. i just hope that you are happy today, on this 25th of May. a day that is a celebration of you. megan elizabeth ramsay.





happy birthday !
<3

yeah. its almost 230 in the morn. im on some crazy sleep schedule now, and i cant fall asleep. i woke up at like 245pm yesterday... and im kinda used to staying up til like atleast 4 it seems like. i need to get out of this though, hopefully tomorrow i will break it. im starting doing work for people, like painting and yardwork, and whatever i can do just to make some money while in pittsburgh. i think i have a game plan now though. im going to stay here til i do all the work i can do, and record atleast 3 songs. then im going to go to philadelphia, and/or new york... and if all goes well, stay in one of those two cities. unless of course i dont really end up liking them, in which case ill probably go back to seattle.

i played soccer yesterday for the first time in a long while, and needless to say, i am sore.

ive been coping well with being in pittsburgh the past few days, just keeping busy seems to take care of that. i also kinda realized part of the thing i dont like about being here, is that when im back here, im living at home again. its free, but it sucks.

i went and played music in the park today with some friends, handdrums and guitar, and such, it was cool. i tried to ride my grandpaps old bike from when he was a kid to the park... so it was not only small, but old as hell.

...well, the bike didnt make it. one of the pedals actually fell off. it was silly. i got to ride on the bike while holding on the side of a car, which was fun, and ultimately awesome. hopefully my dad wont find out or care about the bike... i guess i could fix it, but meh.

damn, i really dont feel tired at all, this blows. im waking up at like 9 some, so i guess im just going to lose some sleep by the time im finally tired. i wish someone was online or something to talk to.

where is everyone!?

its becoming increasing hard to stay in pittsburgh. i dont really understand why completely, its nice to be around my family, my good friends, having people who are truely there for me. but i hate it. it makes me depressed, i feel useless, i feel like im taken for granted, something. i fall back into these patterns, that get me nowhere. i just dont think i fit in here anymore at all. i think there is a really good chance i will be going back to seattle. i miss it, i miss the whole are. i love vancouver. i miss the people. theres an awesome music scene. how can i say no. new york will always be new york... maybe i can move there, or maybe it should just be a place i like to frequent. but i think i need to leave pittsburgh by the end of the month. i might just continue my little vacation, go back to some of those cities i just went to.

i got some awesome pineapple curry earlier tonight. i love thai food.

i need to figure out what i want to do with my hair. as of now im just growing the top kinda, so i can do stuff with it... last time i tried doing this i ended up with a mohawk... but i dont think that will happen again.

the recording is going well so far, one song is done, it rocks... another will be done in a couple days, whenever i get back over there to record. i decided to use the name : StreetSoul ...atleast til i get a band together... then hopefully they will like it. ;-)

ill be putting stuff online once i get a few done.

ahh. its bed time mother fuckers.
word to your dad.

wow, so... i kinda realized today that i cant be in pittsburgh for as long as i was planning... too many old habits, too many things i moved away from. i just cant handle it how id like to, without people making me feel like shit. it kinda depresses me. im thinking of escaping to philly or something before i go to new york...

well well. 4,000 miles, hundreds of dollars, two weeks, and dozens of new people later, and i am back in pittsburgh for a few.

it started off as expected. i made it to the nevada-utah border on the first day, stayed in a motel 6 by myself in some small gambling town called like, wyenachee, who knows. i got a speeding ticket in but crack nevada for 177 dollars! regardless to say, i will not be paying it. i was going 92 in a 75, but actually i was going 90 cause i had the cruise control set at it... but i chose NOT to argue that point.

the next day i made it to denver. where i was hoping to stay with one of my cousins who live there, but neither cousin was in town the day i was there, which sucked, but oh well. i ended up staying with my moms good friend in a denver suburb. she was the nicest person ever, she bought me a case of vitamin water for the trip and took me out to eat and wouldnt let me pay for a thing. she is awesome. the drive through that part of the country is so beautiful, so boring, but so beautiful. it was strange driving over the rockies in southern wyoming... you are driving at like 9,000 feet, but its basically flat... its strange.

the next day i made it to kansas city, MO where i stayed with my ex-roommate Lateef from Seattle. It was nice to see him, they just showed me around the town a lil and hung out. kansas city was a little cooler than i expected but definately midwestern...

the next day i drove via st. louis to Chicago. i was there for 3 days. Chicago was pretty sweet. i stayed with a few different people. Meg namely, and met a few other cool people. We went to the Art Institute of Chicago, walked around town, went to a club, went to some other art type things (not to use generalities or anything) a house party, and just kept busy in general. The weather blew in chicago. cold and windy. But i thought it was a nice city in general. Alot of things going on, i went to get late night tacos 2 of the 3 nights i was there. and ate alot of spanikopita (spelling?)

the next day i ventured back to pittsburgh for 2 days. saw the raise, hung out with friends. nothings really changed of course. but its always nice to see everyone. some old habits are coming back for some people... but i definately had fun.

after pgh i went to philly. met up with mikey D. hung out in the philadelphia suburbs and part of town which reminded me of shadyside. and we had the plans where i would come back to philly on saturday for mikes dads 50th birthday party, entitled DaveStock.

so, the next morning, i bussed it to new york. i walk out of the bus terminal. and i get that feeling again, that feeling i got in san francisco the first time i went there. it was awesome, i love the city, i hung out with heather while there... which was alright. we had never hung out that long together without like, mark though. we walked around brooklyn, saw some film shoots for her school, definatley a new scene for me to see. went to a house party in queens, walked through central park, which is amazing. and then made my way on a bus back to philly.

Davestock was pretty great, the rest of the old band was supposed to come out to the party so we could play, but i was the only one to actually come, which was disappointing, but i still had a blast. i met alot of people, got to play music, (somethin i oh, so missed) ... i hadnt played in a few months because of the whole chopping off of the tip of my finger thing. and i definately hadnt played infront of people in a while. it was a good reminded of why i want to play music. i met a cool chick there. drank and ate all day. and stayed up til like 6. a blast.

after getting a late start in the morning, i said my byes and went to drive to boston. after getting stuck in stupid new york traffic finally made it into town at like 11. saw katherine, and jeremy. that was nice. boston was defiantely alot different than i expected though. its a big college town. alot of money going around i thought. i felt it was lacking a counter culture, but im sure i just didnt get to see alot of places where i could find such things. it was nice and quaint and pleasant though. minus the crappy weather. heather met me there via greyhound and we drove back to pittsburgh together. i couldnt have imagined doing it without here, thanks heather. i was so tired of driving everywhere. and it took like 11 hours. blah.

but here i am. back home. for a few weeks, maybe a little longer depending on things. i still have a good amount of money left. an overall success. i definately figured out some things though.

here is the breakdown as i see it though, as far as cities and where id like to live:

1. New york
2. San Francisco
3. Seattle
4. Chicago
5. philly
6. boston

or something like that. new york was just great. i hadnt been there in a while and it was better than i remembered. definately a better place for music. i love how insanely diverse it is, and how everyone coexists wonderfully. it is close to alot of other big cities and close to my family and friends in pittsburgh. it is ridiculously expensive, more so than san fran, but i think i decided to make the move to NYC. san francisco is definately amazing. but it is kinda secluded i feel. the closest other big city is la, which is like 6 hours away. and san deigo is 8. seattle is secluded also, but portland and vancouver are only 2 and a half hours. and i just love the pacific northwest in general. i just wish seattle had the energy as these other cities. it is growing very rapidly though, and i feel like i might return to that part of the world at some point. i still love vancouver, but alas, canada. i might go to toronto while im in pgh also. curious to see what thats like.

so all of my stuff is in san fran, at 2 different places. i have to figure out how to get my stuff from there. its definately a hard deciscion to make, but i dont feel like san francisco has the opportunities as far as a music career goes. so i am planning on trying out new york. seeing if i can get settled there. and afford it. if not... who knows what will happen. i cant shake my good feelings of seattle though, and that whole area. everytime i rains, i miss it. everytime i see an evergreen tree, i miss it. everytime i drink a shitty latte, i miss it. we will see what happens. im crazy. i know.

if anyone has any thoughts on my endevors, let me know. it is rainy outside now...


cheers.

im still homeless, and i decided to leave san francisco.


im going to LA and long beach and santa barbara tomorrow for the weekend. im excited. my uncle is in the hospital, which sparked the trip though...hes not well at all.

in 2 weeks, im leaving here, and driving cross country with a coworker. we are going to hit up as of now...


salt lake city, denver, kansas city, chicago, pittsburgh, philadelphia, new york, boston, and then im going back to pittsburgh to ditch my car. and then im going to fly to whichever city i feel is where i want to live. the only ones in the picture really are chicago, LA, san fran, boston, new york, and seattle, i guess pittsburgh also... but meh.


yay.

so.... i am now in san francisco. i made it, the drive was kinda boring, kinda scenic, it would have been nice to have someone in the car with me. i have been sleeping on couches and floors for the last 2 weeks and i am dying slowly. not getting sleep, working a full day, then not having anywhere to go sometimes wears on you. i need to find a place soon, and i hope to by this weekend. *fingers crossed*

it has been cool. i find myself engrossed by the city alot. the time just goes by. i havent driven my car since i arose... because well, theres NOWHERE TO PARK. and because the public transportation is great anyways. i have met a few people, and there are actually alot of random people from pittsburgh here. its kinda crazy. i definately dont regret moving... but i dont know what will happen from here. work kinda sucks, but i can live. i need to find a place to stay before i get a new job. and my finger still isnt healed and i cant play music, so THAT BLOWS. :-D

so yea, i am going to figure out a way to get my car back to pittsburgh soon. sometime between now and the summer. if anyone wants to drive cross country with me. just let me know?


i am suprised about how hard it is to find a place to live, there is alot of competition. and i am wondering how i will fare with how expensive it is without getting a new job. we will see.


but yea, im at a sbux in downtown now stealing some hotels internet... it happens. a lot actually. and i need to go move my car because where i ditched it, it is street cleaning tomorrow morning, so i have to find a new spot. last time it took me a half hour to find a parking spot. it sucks bigtime. but yea, everyone feel free to call me or write me or whatever, i seem to keep busy, but theres always time for friends and such. i wonder who reads this anyways... hm.


but yea, peace!

im moving to san francisco. after about a 6 month delay, im going to give it another shot, and hopefully a successful one. i think i am done with seattle. i was conteplating going to vancouver, but well, its canada, and i dont know if trying to move illegally is a great idea. i should be there within the next 10 days. its exciting, san fran is such an amazing city. im sure ill re-realize why i wanted to go right when i get there. and the fact that matt and emily live there is just that much better. i will have an option to come back to seattle in a few months and get a great deal on an apartment, but i dont think i will end up doing that. if i live in this area again, it would probably have to be vancouver, however that would work, i do not know as of now.

im transferring my job, getting new tires on my car, selling my furniture, and packing up... all within a week basically. it really impresses me how quickly and cleanly i can just pack up and go... almost scary.


i will be leaving some great people. but thats life. when i left pittsburgh i left alot more great people. but its ok. we can adapt, we can change. this is just the start of another adventure.


it will be hard having a car in san fran... i might have to get rid of it, depending on where i move. if anyone would be up for flying out to the west coast and driving back with me, just let me know!!! cause it would kick ass.



my finger is slowly but surely healing... oh how i miss playing guitar. :-(

this wont be too long cause i cut off part of my finger, and i can only type with one hand.

well, that happened. it sucks, i cant work much. i cant do much. for a few weeks.

im moving out of my apartment. cause well, kaitlin is a selfish be-otch. by the end of the month.

im on pain medication. very spacey.

they said it will grow back though. yay.

i cut off my mohawk!

Well. as always, i've had an interesting week.
My boss got fired at work, and my friend sarah is the new store manager. that was crazy, but probably much overdue. so work is much more sane now. im still probably going to leave in one form or another.


i met this random girl ashleigh this week. she is really cool.

i got my roommate to steal this big construction sign when he was drunk the other day, and we didnt realize how big it was til he got it inside so we didnt want to keep it. so i decided to vandalize it... and put it back. (picture)

yesterday. me and kaya went to the vespa dealer, because we both kinda want scooters. having a car here is a pain sometimes. so i am contemplating ditching it for one... but yea, we were there and this salesman was talking to us about them. and i asked if he rode one, and he said no. he rides a segway. (if you dont know what a segway is you might want to skip to the next little paragraph) so... he gets really excited about it, takes his out and starts showing it to us (they also sell segways there) and well, me and kaya got to ride it. kaya got to go really fast and i didnt :-( but still, it was the coolest thing ever! its like you are flying almost. so cool.

so yea. then i went to kelli and ians going away party. they are going to thailand and such for 3 months. well, it was at a place called the little red hen. which= a country bar.

i have never seen so many cowboy hats in my life. and yes, i was there, i had my mohawk. i stuck out like a sore thumb. but it was kinda cool. i was so entertained just by sitting there and watching people dance. it was definately a first for me. there was a band, and they were definatelyl good. they played alot of rock and funk covers which worked, but they all had that country feel. so yea, didnt really dig the music, or the scene, but it was entertaining. im always open to things.

and yea, im going to go down the street to ozzies diner this morning and try and get a job. hopefully that goes well.

ok, peace out!

Steelers 21
Seahawks 10


AWESOME!!!

it sucked not being in the hometown to celebrate. im sure that all of my other steelers fans not in the burgh anymore feel the same way.

but oh well, we are a part of STEELER NATION! hell yea!

it sucked watching it in seattle, as cool as it was at the bar during the game... once we won... the city was all bummed and stuff and it was strange. oh well. screw them!

it was nice to see bettis and cowher get a ring.

I heart #36. Fairytales come true.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black
guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing
the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in
America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
Need I say more?"



... no you needn't.

so, i think i lied yesterday. when i spoke of this whole drinking thing. oops.


my hair is in the process of being fire like. wish me luck.


i have chees-its.



i went through another slight revamp of my music colletion, delted some old , got some new...within a few months, im sure it will appear to be very different then it once was. but im all for it.

i went to some rooftop party of sorts last night, then to some random peoples house.. it was an interesting night as a whole. andrew from work was there and yea.... he was insane. i was maybe going to go see simply jeff tonight, but im not in the mood, electronic music isnt my thing unless im rolling really. its a shame. oh well.

i tried to sell some of my clothing i dont wear today. i went to two stores, neither wanted them. i felt like i should feel bad, like i have bad taste for a second, then i realized, hey! i dont want them either! ... suddenly, all was right with the world.

all for now. ta!


i

so... i went out drinking last night, it was a friends bday, then i went and hung out with someone else... and yea. drinking just isnt as fun anymore. it is for a little, then i always just get tired. and its not even like i "let loose" when i drink. i tend to act crazier when im sober, or just have a couple energy drinks now. its strange. but i guess good if i can have more fun like that. or on other things... but that doesnt happen too often.


i think i am going to make my mohawk look like FIRE. have some red fading in and out of the blone. then i may end up cutting it off after that phase is through... or atleast just going back to natural color. who knows with me.


oh my god, i suck at life... i was cooking some orange pancakes (sounds interesting i know) and i forget about the first one and its almost burned... then i put the second one on and start fiddling on the computer, and i forget about that one too! what the hell!?

anyways. im switching positions at work next week. i will be in the kitchen. im excited cause im simply tired of being out front for the most part... it depends on the day. but this will be fresh and new, hopefully until i find something else, iif that ever happens...


exciting stuff here!! i think i found a drummer. we got together the other day.. everything was great. no bad sides.. we will probably get together another time, then ill try and make things official. its funny how band stuff is like a relasionship. hah.

but yea. pancake time!

well, i stopped using my journal for a while. but i figure maybe its a good outlet and i should start using it again.

alot has happened since ive last written. i can highlight some big points.

megan broke up with me. it sucks.
i almost moved to san francisco, but didnt.
i went back home again. met some cool people, a cool girl. recorded some music.
i came home to seattle. its good to be back. ive met some more cool people here as well. no girl.


to some more current issues.

ive done ecstasy a few times recently. its nice. the whole rave culture its a fairly new world to me. but i like it. well, aspects of it. i enjoy the love and acceptance. the all around drug abuse that follows it bothers me. i appreciate the music more. and feel good about my experiences thus far though.

the steelers are going to the superbowl! against... well, the seahawks! how awesome is that! i cant wait to root the steelers on here and hopefully win and rub it in.

it is seeming likely that me and kaya will be getting kicked out of our apartment around june. kaitlin is getting married and charlie(her fiancee) is moving in. we have no say because we arent on the lease. it sucks, but i guess it has to happen eventually.

ive been working on my french again recently. i hope to pick that up. ive also met a few people here that speak, so maybe i can converse with them too.

i got my ears plugged. i plan on stretching them... not too big, maybe 9/16ths or so.

i am sick and tired of flaky people. that will never change. i feel as if my friend ally and i are drifting apart. i dont know why. i dont really like it.

i saw megan a week or 2 ago for the first time since we broke up. it was really hard. it was an amazing day. i went up there not knowing what would happen. but in the end, i just realized that i still feel the same way. and we were so great together, we have such great chemistry... but the second i left, she went to her new boyfriends. and it was almost like that day never happened. and i was heartbroken all over again... i miss that girl dearly.

...i am lonely.

So i just wrote an entry but it disappeared in the process of loading and i dont feel like retyping it....
but heres the gist of it.


i feel fed up..








ill start updating more, i promise?